I am so grateful for the heritage I have, as a child born to Christian parents, with a legacy of faith back through generations. I don’t really remember a time where Jesus wasn’t part of my life, though I publicly declared my faith in Jesus as my Savior through baptism when I was 8 years old. I was raised reading the Bible and praying, going to church and Sunday School, church camp and Vacation Bible School in the summers. I can say that I have been a Jesus-follower all of my life.
So, imagine my surprise, at age 44, when I was hit with a mental health diagnosis of depression. How in the world could this be? “Lord,” I prayed, “I have followed You all of my life. How is it that I can be so sad, feel so hopeless? I know Your truth, God, that my hope and joy are in You. But I have none. No hope. No joy. How is this possible?”
At my first appointment with my therapist, he asked what I wanted (to get out of therapy). I told him that I wanted my joy back.
The beginning of that mental health journey, into the darkness of depression and anxiety, was terrifying and confusing, especially at the start. It ultimately lasted for 10+ years, with depressive episodes coming and going over that time. And as they continued, I “got better at it.” What I mean is, once I became more familiar with the patterns, after several depressive episodes, and with the help of my therapist and husband to begin to recognize when one was coming, I was able to take appropriate steps to prepare, or at least try to prepare for it. And their severity was lessened, as I became more confident about what to expect, who to ask for help, etc.
But back to the beginning. When depression was dark and heavy, like a cold wet woolen blanket covering me, obscuring my view, slowing my movements and thoughts, pressing down down down. And I couldn’t feel God’s presence, couldn’t sense Him near me. He promised never to leave me. So where was He?
I cried out to Him, repeatedly. “Why, God? Why? Why am I going through this? What did I do to deserve this? Are You punishing me for something?” I searched my mind and memories for any unconfessed sin.
Nothing.
Then I began begging. “God! Please! Take this depression from me! Lift this dark cloud! Please, God!”
Nothing changed.
So I began to bargain. “Lord, don’t You see that I can’t serve You to the best of my ability in this state? How can I lead a Bible Study, or a prayer group, or even be an example to my co-workers, when I’m so lost in this sadness? I need Your healing so that I can be effective for You.”
Nothing.
Finally. Finally, it began to dawn on me. Or more likely, I began to sense the nudging of the Holy Spirit in me. I sensed it in my heart: “You’re asking the wrong question.”
It wasn’t a judgemental voice. It wasn’t condemning or harsh. It wasn’t even really a voice. More of a change in the direction of my thoughts. An aligning of my mind with God’s Word. His Holy Spirit talking to me.
“You’re asking the wrong question.”
“What is the right question, Lord? What am I supposed to say?”
“Ask Me about sanctification.”
Sanctification, according to my definition, is the process of being changed to look more like Jesus. It’s the pruning (John 15:2), the life circumstances, the situations that shape us, mold us, and conform us into the image of Christ.
So I began to ask, “Lord, how do You want to use this depression in my life to make me look more like Jesus?”
And, “What are You trying to teach me through this mental health experience, Lord?”
Finally, “Lord, please don’t waste this experience. Though I don’t see it now, I will trust You that You will use this – somehow – for Your glory, and my good.” (Romans 8:28)
At just the right time, because God’s timing is always perfect (and never as fast as I want it), He introduced me to Fresh Hope for Mental Health. And I saw that He had indeed answered that final prayer.
He has given me opportunities to serve Him, from my very own depression experience. I see now that He was with me all the time. My depression had blurred my vision. But that was me, not Him. He never left me. He walked with me. He sat with me. He caught all of my tears. And He began shaping my experiences into something He could use in the lives of others, even strengthening my own faith. And changing my prayer life.
I’ve stopped asking, “Why?” Instead I ask, “What do You want to do here, Lord?”
I often don’t get an answer to that question. In many ways, it’s actually more rhetorical. More of me expressing myself to Him, not that He’ll show me how He’s going to answer. These changes in prayer are actually changing me. I’m learning to surrender to Him. To depend on Him. To believe Him. To trust Him. And to let Him change me.
Peggy has been involved with Fresh Hope as a Group Facilitator for over 8 years and as the Hope Coach Trainer for over 6 years. She can be reached at peggy@freshhope.us.
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