In my last blog post, I said I would follow with a series of articles on Biblical Principles that helped me grow and recover from the chaos which came from having a bipolar 1 disorder diagnosis. I will touch on acceptance (Fresh Hope Tenant 1) and overcoming hopelessness (Fresh Hope Tenant 4) in this article.
I have been given many different diagnoses over the years: depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and schizoaffective disorder, bi-polar type. Just the fact that I had so many different diagnoses tells me several things: First, people are complex and a diagnosis cannot fully capture or describe one’s nature or condition. Second, our conditions are not easily labeled and can change over time. Third, I and all people are more than a diagnosis, or a mental health condition! For me, I am a person who has gone through a lot in my life, in general, and due to my condition.
Amid the chaos that followed a lifetime of hardship and the mental health diagnosis, none of the above realizations occurred to me. I suffered emotionally every day. After I was diagnosed, I saw 2 reports from separate doctors that said my prognosis was poor. I felt like everything that came with having a mental illness was my lot in life. I believed the message that came from society and from doctors and felt that I was doomed to suffer for life. It felt like too much to surmount.
But God. As I described in my 1st blog, I came to a cross-roads in 2010. That was when I submitted myself and my situation to God. In essence, I let go of control and traded it in for trust in God. Submission to God was the key that opened the door to hope and a “faith-filled, full and rich life despite a mental health diagnosis”(Tenant 4). Until then, I was filled with pride preventing me from looking to God or other people for help. I depended instead on myself and unhealthy coping mechanisms. In submitting to God, or surrendering to Him, I gave Him the permission to help me and to work in my life toward more hope and a better future. (He is a gentleman and will not do so without us allowing Him to.)
I believe my pride played a large role in worsening my condition and anguish. It prevented me from reaching out and it reinforced my self-harmful patterns. Let me explain. I really did not like myself and felt like I was a worthless failure. As a result, I put myself down a lot and fell into patterns of negative thinking and self-harmful behaviors. This resulted in making myself the focus of my life. I had little room left for God. Something happened though to get my attention and to clarify what I was doing. One day when I was reading my Bible in Colossians 3, I came across a quote based on 3:1-3.
Colossians 3: 1-3 (NKJV) “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.”
The quote says: “Be careful not to allow your mind to dwell much on your weaknesses and unworthiness. These excessive feelings spring from a root of pride and a desire for one’s own excellence. (Madame Jeanne Guyon)
I was immediately struck between the eyes by that quote. I had been focusing on my weaknesses and unworthiness and not on God or Jesus. I was caught up in feelings of guilt and shame. I was acting as though God made a mistake when He created me. I was an extreme perfectionist and without realizing it I thought I could be perfect to make up for all those feelings. But it was not working and God helped me to see that in a loving and graceful way. In repentance, I turned to God to help me focus on Him and to rely on Him for help and strength.
Psalm 105:3-4 (NKJV) “Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD! Seek the LORD and His strength, seek His face evermore!”
I found that submitting to God as an initial decision was also a process of living out that decision. It led to seeking God more in prayer and in reading the Bible and applying Biblical principles in my life. That led to increasing peace and freedom. It was part of my journey toward accepting my condition and to reaching a place where God would redeem all the years that I thought were wasted, by using me to help other people as I have recently begun to do. (Tenant 7)
Laura Smith lives in Texas and enjoys time spent with family and friends, painting, and outdoor activities. She is a new group facilitator for Fresh Hope for Mental Health. For questions or comments, or to reach her, please email info@freshhope.us.
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