I’ve been reading a book every few days since mid-February, and it’s amazing how it’s touched my life, every time I read it. The book is called Getting Through What You’re Going Through by Tanner Olson. As I told him in the email I sent to him, asking his permission to share with those reading this Fresh Hope Blog, I’ve been using it every couple of days to journal on. Not every day, as I often need to sit with his words and meditate on them!
Each entry is thoughtful, and for me, thought-provoking. Like I said, I’m using it to journal from: I often write out a line from the poem in my notebook, or a prayer that the poem inspires. I highly recommend this collection, even if you’re new to poetry. Tanner is a writer, speaker, and spoken word poet. His poems read just like he’s talking, whether it’s words of encouragement to me as the reader, or just me overhearing his prayer as he asks God for direction or help.
On August 13th, something about that day’s reading really hit me, so I reached out and asked him if he would let me share that poem here, in our Fresh Hope Blog. And he agreed! So here it is, followed with just a few more of my thoughts.
*****
Make Me Whole – Tanner Olson
I don’t remember when I began praying these three words, but I haven’t been able to keep them from my mouth or out of God’s ears for the last few years. Between moving to and from states, starting a business, watching my own insecurities and a long list of unanswered prayers keep growing, I began to crack and break. Each day brought new frustrations and complications. Life grew heavy. Most days I felt like I was trying to find the light switch in the middle of the night, running my hand up the bathroom wall in the dark as I tried to find my way forward.
I’d wake up earlier and earlier, which led to shadows beneath my eyes, showing a growing weight of heaviness and hopelessness. Unable to fall back asleep, I’d light up our dark bedroom with the dim light of news from social media. It was anything but peaceful, and peace was all I wanted.
News headlines told me how the world was ending. Facebook reminded me how death was out to get us all. Instagram decided it would be best to share skin care routines with me, and this is somehow by far the worst of the three.
The aching world seems to be groaning for wholeness, echoing the prayer I continue to pray: Make me whole.
With these three words, I am inviting God to remove the things that are keeping me away from Him, to tend to my aches and wounds and the things I cannot yet see or understand. I’m simply asking Him to help my hand find the light switch in the bathroom in the middle of the night, to help me find my way forward and through.
With these three words I am asking God to do what He does: Draw near.
Sometimes, especially in cold and low seasons, I need to remind myself of who I am praying to. Not a distant God who hears me only when I pray, but One who comes close to His creation. This is a God of love, justice, and mercy. He isn’t afraid of my mess. He knows I just need a little help and a little light to keep going a little further.
As I’ve been praying for God to make me whole, I have started to see how my brokenness can be a blessing to others. My cracks can reveal light. My scattered and shattered pieces can become seeds that grow shade for others to find rest beneath.
God isn’t blind to who we are or the troubles we face, but He leans in and points us to hope. He moves our hands to the light switch. He offers us peace, for He is ours. He sees our cracks and pieces and brokenness and gathers them in His hands and speaks to us: Soon.
Soon you will be made whole, and you will be with Me.
I have to believe God weeps with us. Just like Jesus wept when His friend Lazarus died. In our hurt, God does not turn away or hide Himself. He scoots His chair closer to ours. He places His fingers under our chins, lifting our heads to see what is before us. Peace Himself enters into what we wish did not exist. For if it matters to us, it matters to God. As we grieve and heal and continue, God is making us more like who He created us to be, not less.
Through it all, God is reminding us: Even in this, there is hope.
The past few years have taught me that not much is going to make sense or feel right on this side of heaven. Prayers won’t be answered the way I want them to be. Headlines will read of horrors and heartbreak. Phone calls will deliver knee-bending news. Friends and family members will breathe their last, and one day so will I. Grief and joy are around the corner. I just don’t know which I’ll face next.
But today, while I am here, I will continue to live with my questions and doubts and cracks and navigate the unexpected. As I go, I’ll keep my eyes open for God’s grace and mercy, for His peace and love. And at night, before I close my eyes, I’ll open my hands and give to God what is weighing me down. I’ll exhale the heaviness inside my chest and quiet myself in what I cannot help but believe: In Him all things are held together, and He is making all things new with love.
God is always doing more than I can see or give Him credit for. I’m sure that’s something He and I will discuss one day over breakfast in paradise.
But for now, I’ll keep running my hand up the bathroom wall and I’ll continue to give God the broken pieces I carry around. And when I wake before the sun rises, I’ll be quick to look up and ask with faith for God to make me whole, believing He will. Soon.
By grace, through faith, He will make me whole.
*****
So much of this poem reminds me of the ministry of Fresh Hope. How when we’re dealing with a mental health challenge, either one of our own or of our loved one, we don’t sleep. We don’t have peace. We feel like we’re trying to find our way in the dark. We might feel ourselves cracking and breaking.
But also, as part of Fresh Hope, our cracks let God’s light shine through. That’s Recovery Principle VII – Giving Back. Letting others “catch” hope from us when they don’t have any of their own – this happens a lot in our groups!
And ultimately, this poem reminds me that God understands, He is with us, and He is our hope.
Peggy has been involved with Fresh Hope as a Group Facilitator for over 8 years and as the Hope Coach Trainer for over 6 years. She can be reached at peggy@freshhope.us.
