What is Resiliency?

I used to think that resiliency meant bouncing back after experiencing something difficult. But I’m starting to wonder if it’s less about bouncing and more about staying, or even moving forward, however slowly. 

“Bouncing back” implies returning to who I was before the difficult thing. I picture an old inflatable punching clown, that pops right back up after I hit it.  But what if it’s more about becoming someone new because of the hard thing? The baseline has shifted – the person I was is not the person I am now, on this side of difficulty. What if it’s bouncing forward, becoming someone wiser, and more compassionate because of what I’ve walked through?

One definition of resiliency is “the ability to adapt, recover, even grow after difficulty, loss, stress or trauma.” It’s not about avoiding pain, but about learning how to live well in the presence of pain.

Doesn’t that sound like the tag line for Fresh Hope? “Learning to live well in spite of a mental health diagnosis.” Hmm. Fresh Hope – its support groups, its printed materials, its ministries (like Hope Coaching and Refocusing Widows (Reenfocando Viudas)) – is about learning to live in resiliency!

For many of us, either with a mental health challenge (I had a 10+ year journey through depression), or as someone who loves another who has struggles with their mental health, learning to live in a new reality is very important. Whether that mental health journey is just starting, has been a slog for years, or is in the rearview mirror, the person I was is no longer the person I am. I am changed by that mental health difficulty. I was changed in that difficulty.

1. Resilience means acceptance without resignation.
   1. Accepting that this difficulty is part of my story.
   2. Refusing to let it be the whole story.
   3. Examples: depression may recur; anxiety may flare; bipolar may cycle – but I am still: a spouse, a parent, a leader, a friend, a child of God.
2. Resilience means differentiation.
   1. “I love myself/you deeply, but my/your illness is not my/your identity.” 
   2. I see this in the Fresh Hope Recovery Principles, Tenet 6 
      1. (Person with the diagnosis) “At times I have allowed myself to become a victim, “defined” by my disorder. Therefore, I choose to overcome and live in hope and joy, in spite of my disorder.” 
      2. (Loved Ones) “Therefore, I choose to separate the disorder from the person I love, forgive and let go of the past, and live as a contributor to successful recovery.”
3. Resilience means emotional flexibility in the face of unpredictability. I may have good days, hard days, setbacks, growth, confusion.
   1. I will enjoy the good without clinging.
   2. I will endure the hard without despair.
4. Resilience is holding hope without control.
   1. I can’t make another person heal.
   2. I can’t force insight.
   3. I can’t guarantee stability.
   4. But I can: love, pray, encourage, invite, demonstrate my own resilience.
5. Resilience is post-traumatic growth!
   1. I came out of my depression experience with greater empathy, spiritual depth, compassion and wisdom. 
   2. Again, the Fresh Hope Recovery Principles, Tenet 7 – it’s all about taking my circumstances and what I’ve learned, and using that to give back to others, to be a comfort to others, because God has comforted me. (2 Corinthians 1:4)

Let’s look at this topic of resilience through the lens of God’s Word.

1. There may not be escape from suffering, but God is present in it. 
   1. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” God moves toward pain, not away from it.
   2. Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you…When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.” Notice when, not if. Resilience in Scripture assumes hardships are part of life.
2. Hardships bring endurance and growth, and both are part of resiliency.
   1. Romans 5:3-5 “Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” This is not saying that suffering is good, but that it can produce something good.
   2. James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy…whenever you face trials…because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” This is about growth and maturity – not about emotional denial.
3. Resiliency often includes lament, which says: this is not how things are supposed to be, but I will choose to trust the Lord anyway.
   1. Psalm 13:1-2 “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?”
   2. Psalm 42:11 “Why, my soul, are you downcast? …Put your hope in God.”
4. Strength comes from outside of ourselves.
   1. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Weakness is a place where God works!
   2. Isaiah 40:29-31 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak…Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.”
5. There is hope in the middle, not just at the end.
   1. Lamentations 3:21-23 “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed…” My journal is full of one day of crying out to God, with the next day starting in praise and thanks to Him for getting me through.
   2. Hebrews 10:23 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.”
6. Resilience can be a shared journey…we do this in our Fresh Hope Support Groups.
   1. Galatians 6:2 “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
   2. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 “Two are better than one…If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”

The science behind resiliency points to several things we can do to help us become more resilient. It can be learned!

1. Finding meaning and purpose. 
   1. Oh, I found this one so hard! I kept asking God, “Why? Why am I going through this? When will this stop?” This became my ongoing lament. Until the Holy Spirit prompted me to change the question. Instead of “Why?” it became, “What do You want to teach me in this, Lord?” 
   2. Changing the question then opened the door to meaning…my suffering tied into something God was allowing in my life, for His purpose. I didn’t get to know what the purpose was, not right away, but because I trust Him, I could reframe my question and seek His direction. And in the process, I rested in Him. 
2. Support and Connection.
   1. We are created for relationship. With God. With one another. And resilience can grow in a safe, loving connection. It does NO grow in isolation.
3. Emotional flexibility.
   1. We can hold multiple emotions at the same time:
      1. Grief and Hope
      2. Anger and Compassion
      3. Fear and Courage
4. Self-compassion.
   1. Instead of all that negative self-talk that I say to myself, resilient words are things like: 
      1. This is hard.
      2. I’m allowed to struggle.
      3. I’m still worthy.
5. Realistic Hope.
   1. This is not denial.
   2. This is not toxic positivity.
   3. This is the belief that this moment, this season, is not my whole story.
6. There are small daily habits I can practice that help me.
   1. Journaling – my entries are full of laments – prayers to God where I cry out, complain, and then remind myself of His goodness and sovereignty.
   2. Prayer and reflection – these can be breath prayers. This is not about something I do for God, but something I receive from Him.
      1. Jesus, You are here.
      2. Lord, have mercy.
      3. You are my refuge.
   3. Practicing Gratitude.
   4. Naming emotions instead of denying or suppressing them. I often write them in my journal, just to get them out of my head and onto paper!
   5. Telling my story.
   6. Allowing support – letting safe people in, even if it’s imperfect. 

Resiliency can be learned. It can be practiced. And it grows in community. And that’s what Fresh Hope for Mental Health is all about. Fresh Hope’s Mission Statement: To empower individuals to live a full and rich faith-filled life in spite of a mental health diagnosis. That’s resiliency.

Peggy has been involved with Fresh Hope as a Group Facilitator for over 8 years and as the Hope Coach Trainer for over 6 years. She can be reached at peggy@freshhope.us.