This is the third post in our series featuring excerpts from Outcast, a book by guest contributor Amy Zabel.
There have been many moments when I’ve felt worn—especially after experiencing symptoms ofan episode, only to discover the devastating toll it took on my family. How do I comfort them? Where do they get the support they need? How do they recover from the effects of extreme stress caused bymy symptoms? I know there are countless families that have experienced—or are experiencing—the wild ride of loving someone with a diagnosis.
This post is for you.
This is to show the gratitude, respect, and love you deserve. So, bring it in for a group hug in print. You’ve earned it. You’re worn, too. Those with a diagnosis are consistently reminded of the importance of self-care. We’re told that self-care is not selfish. This is also true for family members and friends. If you can convince yourself to take time away from the care and concern for the one you love, I assure you it will make tough times easier whenever they arise. Find activities you enjoy and make time for them. Seek out people who encourage you and bring you peace and understanding. Enjoy the beauty of God’s creation whenever possible. Look for ways to find peace in your life to calm the chaos that a mental health condition can sometimes bring to your family.
It’s essential to find someone you can trust—someone who can show you love even without complete understanding. We can’t always comprehend what someone else is going through, but we can still love them. My favorite movie, “A River Runs Through It,” taught me this through witnessing the struggles of the family depicted in the film. Now, I live near a local river, and everything has come full circle for my family as the river runs through our shared experiences. Some of the most important lessons we’ve learned include how to love without complete understanding, how to trust each other, endure, and take time for ourselves when we’re feeling worn.
If you’re a friend or family member of someone with a mental health condition, you probably already know how important it is to respect their dignity and privacy. Don’t report to others everything that is happening to you and your loved one in a crisis. It can come off as “gossip.” It’s easy to be manipulated by emotions when they run high, so look for ways to stay peaceful as you navigate challenging situations. I’ve felt betrayed in this way a few times. It has fractured friendships and close family relationships when I felt I was not loved without complete understanding. I lost my dignity because of conversations that took place behind the scenes. It was like a game of “telephone.” The truth of the story always gets lost—and the victim gets hurt.
As a supporting family member, you need to find someone you can trust, too. Doing so will be highly beneficial to both you and your loved one. If a crisis arises, it’s essential to have a safety plan. I wrote such a plan and shared it with those I care about most, so we can remain safe during a crisis and perhaps prevent one from happening. I would not have the strength to share my story without the love and understanding of family and friends. The ones who never thought I was “too much.” The ones who stayed with me through all the ups and downs. The ones who prayed for me. The ones who stayed with me after a crisis to love me in everyday life. The ones who are still doing the same. These are the people who know how to love without complete understanding.
Our own healing often comes from a place of serving others. This is what Jesus did, and this is the example that He wants us to follow. Thank you to those who sometimes feel worn because of us.“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
– Ephesians 4:29
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