One could make a case that of all our emotions, grief and loss might be the most perplexing of all to cope with. And when a person has a mental health challenge, with its toxic thinking and ruminating thoughts, grief and loss may be even more difficult.
In 2017, I thought depression was in my rear view mirror. I had lost a number of jobs in the past and was unemployed for a good part of 2002. But I had been in my mostly good spirits for a long time as I held my next position, as a newsletter editor, a true blessing from God, for 14 years. A lifelong journalist, I resigned in December 2016 to start my own writing and editing business.
But I returned to the pit of despair when we lost our beloved Maltese, Baxter in May 2017. As I wrote in my book, Climbing out of Darkness: A Personal Journey into Mental Wellness, “After two nights of him howling and getting us up in the middle of the night, it was clear that Baxter was indeed suffering.” (The vet later told us he probably had a brain tumor.)
“I cried like I hadn’t in years. I don’t know how my wife was able to bury him in our backyard. It was all I could do to place stones on his freshly dug grave.
“Baxter is gone. Baxter is gone. For days on end, I could not shake this ruminating thinking out of my mind,” as I wrote in my book. “I grieved even more than when my parents died. What was (even) worse was how some people, especially, non-pet owners, did not understand how losing a pet could possibly compare to the death of a family member. They think, ‘That’s sad, but you will get a new dog.’ I wished it was that simple. After five years and much love, Baxter was family.”
Fortunately, while some don’t fully “get” the loss of a pet, others do. “(Pet) owners are ofen inhibited in their very real grief, even if the animal was considered a full-fledged family member, a child’s favored playmate, or an elderly person’s faithful companion,” wrote Marina London in my book.
The veterinary clinic we took him to sent us a heartful sympathy card. There were others. They definitely helped during this difficult period. In more recent times, I have learned of any number of pet owners grieving the loss of their own, four-legged furry companion. I read online, “No such thing as just a …… (cat or dog).” Another post read, “I don’t care what anyone says. Losing a pet is unbearable.”
Indeed. Losing our beloved dog was the start of a downward spiral that would take the remainder of the year for me to fully snap out of. (It was during this time that I joined a Fresh Hope support group.) “Every night I would go to bed and cry and pray to God to either make me better or take me home. I did not care if I lived or died.”
For many people, grief occurs in stages. In her famous research, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross lists these five stages as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. For more on this groundbreaking psychiatrist, check out https://www.ekrfoundation.org/elisabeth-kubler-ross/
Although the stages describe potential success for coping with loss, individuals may not experience them in this order, or at all since grief and loss is a deeply personal experience. That’s for sure. When my dad died in 2007, he was terminally ill and so his passing was not a huge surprise. And yet, perhaps because he was my first parent (or in-law) to pass away, I experienced an emptiness unlike any feeling I ever had before.
Five years later, my mom died in her sleep. It was a more sudden loss, and so one would think I would have felt more grief than when my dad died. Her passing was also more unexpected, as she had just returned home after an operation. And yet as I say, it hit me less. Perhaps because my mother, an habitual planner and organizer, had the details of her funeral spelled out so well it almost felt like we had gone through this (loss) already.
My wife and her mother were very close, so when her mom passed in 2014, I feared it would be a tough road ahead for my spouse. Not half as much as I had thought. It was my mother-in-law’s third bout with cancer, and everyone knew the end was near. It seemed like everyone did their grieving before her passing, and there weren’t nearly as many tears afterward. Of course, it helps when we are Christians and are confident where our loved one is, out of her pain, at home with the Lord.
But sound reasoning doesn’t explain everything. As I said, some people cope with grief well and get through it fairly quickly. Me? I was a near basket case when Baxter passed. “It seemed I was going through the motions in nearly everything I did. I dove into my editing work, checked email, and everything else that work and life entails. But I did not do anything with enthusiasm. I had even lost much of my appetite.” (I lost 25 pounds, and my physician was thrilled with my weight loss.) I was not able to take the wind out of the sails about this “good” news and tell him it came at too high of a price.
Today’s grieving is also different than it was in Victorian times, according to Marina. “People dressed in mourning clothes (black) for two years. It appears they had a much better understanding of the grief process than we do in the 21st century,” she wrote in my book. “Only recently, in 2018, has the diagnosis of ‘Prolonged Grief Disorder’ been added as a diagnostic category.”
In such cases, “grief reactions occur most of the day, nearly every day, for at least a month.” (For me, I’d say they lasted at least four months.) To learn more, check out https://psychiatry.org/news-room/news-releases/apa-offers-tips-for-understanding-prolonged-grief/
A note to the reader who may be grieving. Marina said I should have been receiving supportive counseling and perhaps medication during this difficult period.
Perhaps, but reading and prayer filled the bill quite nicely. Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates, by Gary Kurz is a very helpful book on this topic from a scriptural perspective. Knowing there is a possibility I might see Baxter again, according to Kurz, was incredibly comforting. The book is available on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/Cold-Noses-At-Pearly-Gates/dp/0806528877
Regardless if it is a cherished pet, a mother, father, sister, brother, close friend, we all go through grief and loss in this life. Whatever the loss, Christians can take solace that suffering is only temporary. “He will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death, or morning, or crying or pain. For the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4, Isaiah 25:8).
If you’re walking through something similar and don’t want to do it alone, Fresh Hope support groups are a safe place to find encouragement and hope.
Mike Jacquart belongs to a Fresh Hope support group and the author of “Climbing out of Darkness: A Personal Journey into Mental Wellness.” https://www.amazon.com/Climbing-out-Darkness-Personal-Wellness/dp/B0BQ58KJH4 A retired magazine editor, Mike enjoys sharing his story of “pushing through” on blog posts, podcasts, and other presentations. For more information, contact him at michaeljacquart8@gmail.com.
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