by Peggy Rice
In my personal 10-year journey through depression, I often found myself stuck. I would ruminate on negative thoughts – things like “I’m all alone,” “I will never get better,” “This is as good as it’s going to get,” “God can’t see me.” The list goes on and on.
I was overwhelmed with the many things that I knew could help me get better, but I couldn’t do any of them. I felt paralyzed by them – exercise, eat right, get on a regular sleep schedule, do something I love to do, hang out with friends, pray, read my Bible. Again, the list goes on and on!
I couldn’t see a way forward. I felt hopeless.
Some days, just getting out of bed was all I accomplished. And even that was so hard to do! I think I did it for my kids – to try to keep some level of normalcy in our family life, even though I was only going through the motions. I would often get out of bed, put on my bathrobe, and come out of the bedroom to sit with them at the kitchen table as they ate breakfast. I would pray with them before they left for school. And then I had to fight the urge to crawl back under the safety of my covers, the blankets covering my head to take me into darkness. Some mornings, I couldn’t resist.
Other mornings, I’d slowly get dressed for the day. If I took a shower, I’d stand under the water, fighting my negative thoughts and willing my body to stay standing. When the water started to cool, I’d shut it off and get out. Back into the real world. No longer “protected” by the small enclosure made by the tub and curtain. Back into the bright light of the day.
And then I’d face the daunting task of deciding what to do. And I couldn’t decide. Sometimes, I’d sit on the couch with a small devotional and read a few verses. I found it very difficult to read my Bible – hard to concentrate, and the words seemed to move all over the page. So a couple of verses from my devotional was all I could manage. I’d try to pray, but often it was just me crying.
I did journal – a lot! Most of my entries were me begging God to help me. Asking Him to lift the dark blanket enveloping me. Bring me light, peace. Or crying out to Him, asking Him where He was as I sat in darkness. Other days, my entries were of gratitude to Him for getting me through the previous day.
I had a part-time job, and so most days I had to go to work. The drive was agony. All that time in the car to brood.
Once I got to work, I could often fake it through the day. Though I only did the bare minimum – I didn’t have the energy for more. In my darkest times of depression, I could only manage a couple hours of work, and then I’d have to go home. By God’s grace, I worked with a team of people who helped carry my work load when it was too much for me.
I told my therapist that I couldn’t do all the things that would help me more forward from the darkness of mental illness to the light of mental health. And he taught me about taking baby steps.
I had been looking at all the things on the to-do list. And I was overwhelmed. He pointed out that I was making progress. By getting out of bed – that was a baby step in the right direction. By showering. Another baby step. Reading my devotional – baby step. Going to work – an even bigger baby step.
He called them “victories.” And he encouraged me to celebrate them.
So I tried. When I would get through my shower, I would thank God in my journal for helping me do that. When I put in a couple hours of work, I would write down gratitude for my co-workers who helped me. When I walked around the block, I celebrated in my journal about exercising.
Little by little, these baby steps forward began to increase. Maybe some days were “two steps forward and one step back,” but I congratulated myself that it was still forward motion. I expressed gratitude in my journal – thanking God for helping me with these victories.
My therapist encouraged me to not think of them as little victories vs big victories. Not to put a comparison on them. But just to celebrate them as successes.
I began to take the big goals – for example, hang out with friends – and break them into smaller pieces. Like: call a friend. Or plan a coffee date.
I broke them into bite-sized pieces, things that I could manage to accomplish. I stopped looking at all of the list, and instead just focused on one thing. And if that was too big, I tried to break it down into smaller tasks. And then I’d celebrate – express gratitude to God in my journal – for Him helping me complete it. I tried to just focus on the next thing, and not the whole list. Just one task at a time.
I realize now that I had been paralyzed by the endless list of things I “should” do. By breaking it down into things I could do, I began to move forward. From stuck to unstuck. From hopelessness to hope.
“The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
Peggy has been involved with Fresh Hope as a Group Facilitator for 5 years and as the Hope Coach trainer for 3. You can reach her at peggy@freshhope.us
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