By Mike Jacquart
I\’ll never forget the phone call. It was from my good friend, Tim*, on a Sunday ,morning in late April, 2008. His voice clearly shaky, it was all Tim could do to utter the words, \”Steve* is gone.\” (*Names are changed to protect privacy.) STEVE? I thought. How can that be? Steve was the only one of us who still ran regularly and who hadn\’t gained weight since high school. His wife, Jill*? Now, that any of us could have believed since Jill had a number of health concerns including diabetes. Or Dan*? Dan had suffered a stroke some years back and was living in an assisted living facility. But STEVE? We learned Steve was experiencing significant personal problems. He was worried about losing his job and the financial impact that would have on paying for an upcoming operation for Jill. Steve had reached out to several of his best friends, including me, anxiously looking for potential answers for his serious concerns. It turned out that Steve had also reached out to a mental health professional and was diagnosed with bipolar 1*, for which he was receiving a medication. Like me, Steve had lost a number of jobs, so that part of his troubles was not a big surprise. But Steve, a highly resilient individual, had always gotten through such obstacles before. What could have been so different this time that he took his life?
Looking back, with the exception of his wife and therapist, I don\’t think any of us recognized what a precarious mental state he was in. After all, guys get through problems like these with little help. Right? The fact the normally resilient Steve had reached out for professional assistance should have been more of a wake-up call for his close friends. Diagnosed with ADHD and depression six years earlier, I was more aware of mental health issues than my other friends. But that meant little at the time. The news was still shocking. I had never known anyone who had taken their life.The explanation Tim gave was that Steve had overdosed on pills, a number sufficient enough to be sure he would be dead. The best man at my wedding was gone. Since Steve and Tim had a lot in common in their stressful careers, they had grown particularly close. I could only imagine how difficult it was for Tim to make that call.
I soon learned what a wide range of emotions one experiences when learning devastating news like that. Anger. How could Steve do that to his family and friends? Denial. He\’s not even 50, how could \”healthy\” Steve be dead? (We all learned the hard way how one can appear to be healthy physically speaking, but still be suffering mentally, pain that is every bit as real as a physical ailment.) But the biggest question was WHY.
That is often the biggest question of survivors, and yet, it is the most difficult one to answer. Thank the good Lord I have never attempted suicide, but I have had suicidal thoughts, so I believe I can relate to some of the feelings a person that despondent is experiencing. In my case at least, it\’s not so much that you want to die, but that you are so depressed that you don\’t care if you are alive or dead. And if you are a Christian, like Steve, the next life seems much more appealing at this point.When we are depressed, it\’s difficult to focus on anything other than ourselves and what we are feeling at the time. As a result, I\’m not sure if the suicidal person gives a lot of thought to the impact their passing will have on others, and the corresponding baggage they\’ll be left with.
Is there anything any of us could have done to prevent it? How did we miss the point of just how \”down and out\” Steve really felt? Blame. Steve\’s family was tough on Jill. I later learned that since family members may not grasp that their loved one could have taken their life, they will blame someone else for their loss. And this was poor Jill, as if her own mourning was not enough.In addition, some believe that a person who takes their life is condemned to hell. We knew Steve was a devout believer who had accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior, so his close friends were confident that Steve was with God in Heaven, free of his misery. But a statement of faith, and personal conversion, is not convincing enough to some, nor does it offer consolation for their loss.
Sixteen years later, questions like, \”Have you had thoughts of hurting yourself or taking your life?\” come up in many mental health assessments. Back then, I\’m not sure they were. Today, the importance of taking a mental health condition and diagnosis seriously is better understood. And yet, never assume the worst couldn\’t happen. A person like Steve is reaching out to close friends FOR A REASON. Pray fervently for this individual. Make sure this person is receiving assistance from a licensed mental health professional – but even that is no guarantee.\”If you find yourself thinking of suicide, especially if you have a plan, consider it an emergency, as much as you would consider chest pain a sign to go to the emergency room,\” wrote Marina London, a licensed clinical social worker, in my book, Climbing out of Darkness: A Personal Journey into Mental Health. \”If you have a therapist, call him or her. If you are connected to a support group, get in touch.\”The 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 988.
International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is an event in which survivors of suicide loss come together to find connection, understanding, and hope through their shared experience. This year, International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is Saturday, November 23, 2024.
Mike Jacquart belongs to a Fresh Hope support group and the author of “Climbing out of Darkness: A Personal Journey into Mental Wellness.” A retired magazine editor, he enjoys sharing his story of “pushing through” on blog posts, podcasts, and other presentations. For more information, contact him at michaeljacquart8@gmail.com
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