What If You Were A Bipolar Freak Who Worshiped The Great Hero?

by Scott Box

I have noticed how people talk about their faith as they go about their lives—It seems to me that many folks believe that while God loves them, He is simply tolerating or waiting around for them to screw things up. They think the sun has set, and God wants them to trip around in the darkness because He is disappointed in them. I have had these thoughts, too.

But even though I manage Bipolar disorder every day of my life, I do not act like God is simply putting up with me. I do not believe I have to fumble around in painful pitch blackness. Instead, I recognize that God longs for me to make choices that show He made me in His heroic image and likeness, the likeness of the risen Hero who takes charge and carries out God’s will for the world. Sure, I am compromised by sin and brokenness, even by mental disorder—and I battle against the dark still—but my weaknesses do not eliminate the truth that Jesus Christ lives within me in the form of His Holy Spirit. The power of Jesus works through my weaknesses so that I can rule alongside Him and share in the stewardship of God’s creation. 

“Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”—2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NLT

But if you knew me, you’d know some of my weaknesses. I almost always say what I’m thinking, including cuss words. Filter. What filter? I navigate a culture that pushes me into temptations in sexual purity I’d never thought I’d have to confront or endure. I always desire to binge on sugary food. I’m a pastor, and people often irritate and annoy me, cough, to no end. I am frequently fearful and beg God to give me peace when I play music in front of a crowd or when I am waiting for test results to come back from my last colonoscopy or dermatology appointment. I get depressed when it’s cloudy outside. Seriously, are you kidding? I’m a total piece of work. And yet Jesus has radically changed me to be more and more heroic as He is heroic (see January 26, 2024 blog post to learn more: Jesus’ Heroic Worship and The H.E.R.O. Tool). The journey has been harrowing but excellent. 

Further, Bipolar disorder creates challenges. There are difficult days of painful mental dissonance that rival the days when I’ve endured my most physical pain. The darkness I’ve suffered from can be as black and hard to wash off as ink. But Bipolar disorder gives me a marked avenue to speak to a specific type of audience about how Christian worship and Jesus’ heroism can bring people back from the brink—to offer a guiding light of immeasurable hope. And my clarity of purpose as a result of how I manage Bipolar disorder gives me an unrelenting expectation of God’s provision, that His word will be the light onto my feet. And if Jesus will be my light, He’ll be the light for anyone who calls upon Him to be their Savior and King. Have you read this passage recently?

“Your commandments give me understanding; no wonder I hate every false way of life. Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. I’ve promised it once, and I’ll promise it again: I will obey your righteous regulations. I have suffered much, O Lord; restore my life again as you promised. Lord, accept my offering of praise, and teach me your regulations. My life constantly hangs in the balance, but I will not stop obeying your instructions.”—Psalms 119:104-109 NLT

Maybe the label FREAK hangs in the balance if I ignore or eliminate God’s guiding heroic light—because in some ways, I want to be labeled a freak. Here are a handful of lessons I have learned from the intersection of Jesus’ heroism, Bipolar disorder and Christian worship: 

1. The bold truth is that I know people’s souls rely on me to tell my gritty story and help them connect the dots to Truth. As I’ve said in other blog posts, Jesus’ idea is to use His followers to accomplish His work within creation. No, God doesn’t need me to do anything for Him, and yet I know I am necessary for His work and story because He has chosen to make me necessary. I have never lost hope in my identity and value because of this truth.

1. Therefore, it is my mission to become an unyielding storyteller. Becoming a storyteller gives meaning to my painful disorder. It illuminates God’s purpose for my worship: to revere/worship Jesus by being His witness to others—to tell my gritty story, to tell a heroic story about Jesus. Therefore, how I allow the Great Hero, Jesus Christ, to be revealed in my living is essential to the story He tells about Himself. My mission to be a storyteller guides the choices about how I live my life. And it might cause me to be labeled a “freak.” But being a storyteller is God’s design for us all, no matter what privileges we have or talents we employ day by day. Our creative witness is a giant part of my worship and your worship. 

1. In my case, I have the gift and experience to lead music and singing for numerous kinds of Christian events or church services. Having Bipolar disorder doesn’t directly make me a good church music or worship leader, though it might make me a bit of a freak by default. Still, my management of Bipolar disorder has influenced my paradigm of Christian worship to a radical degree. I do not think worship is simply singing church songs out of reverence for God. Yes, I lead and sing songs about Jesus. But more than that, the worship I lead works to build environments and opportunities that awaken a longing in people’s hearts for the Great Hero, Jesus Christ. Jesus calls His Church into a type of worship that guides us into a lifestyle of gritty living that tells a heroic story about Him. Our songs represent the Church’s unified gritty witness about the Great Hero’s story. 

I live in the extraordinary intersection of mental health, Christian worship and Jesus’ heroism. You may not be a song leader in a church like me; you might drive a tractor, sit at a desk, stay at home, or live in a jail cell, but you can be a heroic worshiper and leader. Become a freak like me. I idolize Jesus because I believe He is restoring His heroic image in me. You might not believe how clear the view is from Jesus’ heroic vantage point. But it would be best if you gave it a try. Join me at this intersection and become a freak by leveraging your brokenness, including the things that have caused you shame and disgrace—maybe your mental illness—to image God and to become a heroic worshiper of Jesus with your story. Yes, life has been full of pain, bad choices and confusion. But no, God is not holding His breath, waiting for you or me to blow it. Instead, God sees Jesus in those who follow and believe—because Jesus is guiding us into His heroic greatness. So, let us work hard to live heroically, as Jesus is heroic, and tell His heroic story by telling our gritty stories—this is how we bring glory to God—this is our worship. And while many people might assume we are FREAKS, many others will follow the Great Hero. Our purpose is certain: 

We exist to experience and express worship as gritty living that tells a heroic story about Jesus.

Look, out that way, the sun is rising…you freak.

***Next month, we’ll dream about strategies and ways to express your “gritty story to tell a heroic story about Jesus.”

Scott and Kariann Box live in Redmond, Oregon. Scott serves as Pastor of Development at Shiloh Ranch Church and has been a worship leader for over twenty-five years. Kariann works as a Realtor in Central Oregon and supports Scott\’s…creative spirit. They have two children, a one-hundred-pound Labradoodle and a four-pound Shih Tzu without teeth. Scott is the author of HEROIC DISGRACE: Order out of chaos. Hope out of fear. ― A Worship Hero Story