Be kind to yourself (Part 1)

By Mark Soppitt

Ever have a day when all that you try and do goes awry, or you forget something important, or you fail at something again, or someone snubs or gaslights you? Or, just at that crucial time of relationship communication when it’s going so well, out pops those same familiar words that kill the atmosphere and create a chasm between you? 

What do you do in those times? How does it feel and how do you respond? If you’re like me, you can feel rough, low, frustrated, guilty, ashamed, or even hopeless.

What do you say to yourself when you feel this way? “I’ll never change”; “It’ll never change”; “You idiot!”; “I should do better”; “Here we go again…”; “You’re so dumb!” “Loser!” You may have your own established habit of negative self-talk that is so common to your thinking that you don’t even notice. 

Research has consistently linked self-criticism to mental health disorders, such as anxiety and depression, and adding to life stressors such as relational difficulties. Often, we can be our cruellest critic. We can see ourselves through a lens of negativity, particularly if that has been communicated to us over and over again within our closest relationships from an early age. We justify our negative self-talk because, after all, we think we know who we really are, right? 

And often this can lead us to “shoulding” on ourselves. “I should have done/said this…” or “I shouldn’t have done/said that.” I know I’m guilty of that! It’s not that all self-reflection is wrong if it leads us to grow and mature. If we continually say or do inappropriate or insensitive things, we need to change for the sake of ourselves and others. But it’s not healthy if all it does is lead us on a downward spiral that negatively affects our mood, our thoughts, and our relationships. 

Another challenge that comes with negative self-talk is that if we don’t do anything to change these thought patterns, we’ll simply repeat them again and again. Unchecked, our negative thoughts put us at a disadvantage in how we see and respond to ourselves and the world around us. We have to expend more energy on just keeping our heads above the waters of wellness, that we have less to give to growing, learning, and loving.

Somehow we need to interrupt this cycle. So how can we do this?

One way of interrupting the cycle is to show ourselves kindness. But how do we do this? There are many ways. Firstly, we need to begin to recognise our negative self-talk. This means asking ourselves questions when we are feeling negative and low. What am I thinking/was I just thinking? When we begin to recognise this, we can stop for a few moments, and bring a kind thought or word into our lives to counter the negative. This does not come easily, but as we practise it, we begin to form new and healthy ‘thought highways’ in our brain and in our mind. 

We can also interrupt the cycle by remembering things that have gone well; or by practising gratitude, or even by taking some time to worship and praise. Or by taking a walk in nature and appreciating the beauty around us, noticing how much of the natural world around is not squeezed into man-made uniformity, but rather displays variety, uniqueness, and luxurious creativity. Or even by saying out loud to ourselves statements like, “I’m not going to let this destroy me,” or “I’m going to use this to help me grow,” or,  “I didn’t say the right thing yet, but I am learning to be more sensitive.”

So, is being kind about excusing bad behaviour? No. Rather it is getting ourselves to a place where we are able to grow rather than sink in the murky waters of self-criticism and condemnation. 

Another way to grow in kindness towards ourselves is to learn how God sees us. Unfortunately, certain upbringings or experiences can teach us that God is a cruel taskmaster and the arch critic and demander of perfection. This is so far from the truth. The parable of the Prodigal Son so powerfully describes the opposite (Luke 15). Sure, He sees how we are made, and that we mess up by doing and saying selfish and self serving things. Yet, through His Son’s death on the cross, God dealt with the root cause of this: sin, or the force, like gravity, that always seems to pull us away from being the best version of ourselves. We have hope to change because Jesus willingly gave Himself up to free us from this downward pull and give us an upward trajectory now we are “in Christ” (2 Cor.5:17).

Romans 8:1 says, “…there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” and later in verse 33 it says, “Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one.” What amazing truth to bask in and meditate on even right now. If God declares us not guilty, we have no reason to condemn ourselves or let others do it. Instead we can praise and give God thanks that He has given us all we need for life and godliness to help us grow out of our old ways of thinking into new, life giving ones.

Furthermore, He gives grace to help us grow in virtues such as love, faith, hope, and self-control with our words and in our deeds. God is love, and so as we get to know Him and become more like Him, we become more loving. Being filled with the kind of love that God promises to give us is a great foundation for a life that is transformed from brokenness to wholeness, from depression to joy, from being forsaken to being adopted, and so much more. This is great news 😊

So, next time you want to mentally beat yourself up, stop and acknowledge it and its cause, and then choose to see yourself in the light of Christ and a child of God who is still growing. It may mean making some amends, but also let it be the start of showing kindness to yourself with words that build you up, not tear you down and words that speak hope to your future.  

Mark lives in Niagara Falls, Canada with his wife, Janet. They have 5 children and a dog and enjoy exercise, public speaking, and motivating others. They have walked through many years of navigating mental illness and its effects on their marriage, their children, and pretty much every aspect of their lives. Through Living Well Coaching, their desire is to connect people to Jesus’ unlimited resources, and help them build resilient, healthy, and fruitful lives that glorify God and reach their full potential. You can follow them on social media: INSTAGRAM @livingwellcoaching; FACEBOOK livingwellcoachingniagara or their website Livingwellcoaching.ca