Be kind to yourself (Part 2)

By Mark Soppitt

I finished part 1 of Be Kind to Yourself looking at the kindness of God and how He sees us as His children, who are forgiven and set free from the bondage of condemnation and guilt. And yet being a loved child of God goes so much further than that too, as God pours His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit (Rom.5:5). His Presence in us enables us to flourish in an atmosphere of love, and live life differently. 

It is as though we are seeds God plants in a mineral rich soil, full of Himself, and then He carefully nurtures our growth through our connection with Him and other believers in the church. Over time we increasingly become more like the loving Father who brought us to birth, because we are able to constantly draw on His resources for life. So, what does being planted in mineral rich soil look like and how can we access more of His grace? 

One way we do this is by learning about who God says we are. God is full of kind words about us if we will take time to stop and listen.  As we listen and take these in, it powerfully transforms our way of thinking. I remember the weight of rejection that lifted off my life when I read in the Bible that it was God who “created my inmost being and knit me together in my mother’s womb” (Ps.139:13). No matter the circumstances of our arrival on this earth or maybe the powerful influences that leave us feeling rejected, God is the author of life and He made each one of us. Not one of us was a ‘mistake’ or a ‘chance’ happening. He was involved from the start, just as He will continue to be until the end. That one truth brought me much freedom and joy, and healing to my soul. And there are so many more.

Psalm 139:17-18 says, “How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.”

An alternative translation of Psalm 139:17 says “How amazing are your thoughts concerning me.” God has an unceasing amount of wonderful and positive thoughts about each one of us and He wants us to know every one of them.

The writer of Psalm 139, King David, experienced many times when life did not go as planned. At times he was chased down, let down, he despaired of life, and he was forsaken. Other times he was the author of his own misfortune, making some of the most terrible mistakes including adultery and murder. The Psalms he pens are full of raw responses to the trials, tribulations, and challenges in his life, and yet also full of incredible insights into the goodness, compassion, and unfailing love of God. In fact, it is often in the difficult times that God reveals Himself most clearly to us. Taking time to drink in God’s thoughts each day can be a great antidote to all the negativity around us in the world.

Here are some truths God speaks over us:

1. I am loved, blessed, and adopted into God’s family (Eph.1:4; Rom.8:14-16)
2. I do not need to fear (Rom.8:15; Heb.13:6)
3. I am a wonderful work of God (Ps.139:14)
4. God takes delight in me and rejoices over me with singing (Zeph.3:17)
5. I have a future that is full of promise (Jer.29:11)
6. I am not alone (Heb.13:5)
7. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil.4:13)
8. He will complete the work He began in me (Phil.1:6)

These are just such a small collection of God’s thoughts concerning us. 

How do we replace our old ways of thinking with new positive thoughts and affirmations? How can we show ourselves kindness? Some of these, I mentioned in the first part of this blog. However, I want to remind us of them again.

1. When you feel disturbed inside, slow down and ask yourself, “What am I thinking about myself or my circumstances right now?” Often we don’t recognise what is driving our emotions because we don’t stop to listen. Unmasking our hidden negative self-talk comes when we show kindness by noticing.
2. Take a negative thought and speak out the opposite. In this way you are disrupting the negative highways in your brain and making new, more positive ones. If you feel condemned, speak the truth, “I am not condemned by God and I will not condemn myself.” If you feel like a loser, speak the truth, “I am not a loser. I have been wonderfully made by God and have a great future.” 
3. Don’t beat yourself up. None of us are perfect. We are all a work in progress. Add in the word “yet” to your sentence. So instead of saying, “I am never kind,” say, “I am not as kind as I want to be yet, but I am learning.” 
4. Release yourself from the unreasonable expectations of others and stop “shoulding” on yourself. “Should” is often clothed in shame and guilt. One time in a church I was pastoring a visitor stood up in a service and said we “should all be ashamed of ourselves” for not doing what she thought we “should” be doing. I was quick to kindly and firmly release everyone from the negative weight of those words, which can be so destructive. Recognizing when someone’s expectations are not yours to carry is a great antidote to unnecessary stress. 
5. Instead of using words like “should,” use words like, “I am going to…,” or “I am choosing to…,” or “I am not driven by guilt today.” By doing this you are deciding and taking responsibility for your actions with purpose and agency, rather than guilt or panic.
6. Interrupt the cycle of guilty thoughts in your head. I had a difficult interaction with someone recently and I rehearsed our conversation over and over in my head in a way that was draining away my hope. It took me a while to realise what I was doing, and when I did, I stopped and recognised that the conversation didn’t go so well and then decided I had to let it go. And I made a mental note that I would keep trying to navigate some of our differences with more wisdom and tact next time, whilst not being ruled by this person’s reactions. Sometimes the greatest energy we can release for the future is when we let go of the past. 
7. Journal your uncomfortable interactions with others as a positive way to process, unpack, and grow through them, rather than be overwhelmed by them. The process of writing them down can also be a good way of releasing them, as you imagine letting them go.
8. Ask for help if you feel overwhelmed. Not one of us has all the answers to all the problems we face. We were made to thrive in community. Whilst that is a whole different topic, the maxim, “a trouble shared is a trouble halved” has some truth to it. Many times my anxieties have eased or disappeared because I talked about an issue through with a friend, pastor, or counsellor. 

Is there one way you can start making a choice to be kind to yourself? Start with the easiest way you can do this and not the hardest, and especially not all of them at once. Growing is a process that lasts a lifetime and so we need to pace ourselves to do it one step at a time. Be encouraged by how God thinks about you today. You are the apple of His eye and He delights over you. Ask Him to keep filling you with His Spirit of love to help you in your transformational journey. The best is yet to come. 

Mark lives in Niagara Falls, Canada with his wife, Janet. They have 5 children and a dog and enjoy exercise, public speaking, and motivating others. They have walked through many years of navigating mental illness and its effects on their marriage, their children, and pretty much every aspect of their lives. Through Living Well Coaching, their desire is to connect people to Jesus’ unlimited resources, and help them build resilient, healthy, and fruitful lives that glorify God and reach their full potential. You can follow them on social media: INSTAGRAM @livingwellcoaching; FACEBOOK livingwellcoachingniagara or their website Livingwellcoaching.ca