The Elephant in the Room –  Single, Childless, etc.

By Mike Jacquart

Single. Divorced. Widowed. Childless. If you can check one or more of these, this blog post is especially for you.

There are many great benefits in belonging to a Fresh Hope or other support group. It’s an opportunity to share your troubles, celebrate personal victories, and every step in between. Perhaps best of all, since participants either have a mental health diagnosis, or are the loved one of an individual with a mental health challenge, participants understand these challenges all too well.

While this is largely the case, gaps in understanding can still remain. Which brings us back to the first paragraph in this post. It’s been my experience at least, that the majority of group members are married with children. If this isn’t the case, what then? In my 30+ year career in publishing, I experienced working mainly with married people when I was single, and working largely with single coworkers when I was married. In both cases, it was not easy to relate, “to fit in.”

For the most part, I have felt I “fit in” in my group. And that is certainly a blessing! But even if you’re married, not having kids can be a barrier. Especially during holiday seasons, married participants with kids will discuss the challenges in kids coming home – cleaning the house, shopping, cooking, and especially, the worries about everyone getting along. These are definitely legitimate concerns!

The point is, if you are in any of the “subgroups” listed at the beginning of this blog post, you may have a difficult time relating to the stressful family issues of fellow group participants. As a caring Christian, I want to relate, I want to empathize. But this is not easy when you don’t share the same experiences, like you do when discussing mental health challenges.

The reverse is also true: Individuals with kids may dismiss your thoughts on the matter, saying you don’t know how lucky you are to not have these family problems to deal with.  Perhaps so, but such statements do little to validate one’s feelings.

After all, whatever the holiday, many of these gatherings center on children, grandchildren, plenty of food, etc. Have they given a thought to what it’s like having no one to visit because Mom and Dad are deceased. Or no children or grandkids to visit, or to visit your home.  It can leave you feeling empty and very left out, since it’s largely just another day.

As a result, while I certainly have fond memories of family gatherings with parents, siblings, etc., they do not always help in the here and now. 

I need to stress that I did not write this blog to gain sympathy. I have A LOT to be thankful for – a great wife, wonderful friends, siblings, a terrific little dog, etc. All I ask is to be given an opportunity to have my feelings validated on subject matter that can all too quickly be dismissed amidst other concerns in a group setting.

Maybe I’m being a tad harsh and group participants “get me” more than I might think. After all, I know everyone in the group is, first and foremost, a caring Christian regardless of individual differences. In any case, it is important to recognize different perspectives that we might otherwise overlook.

Mike Jacquart belongs to a Fresh Hope support group and the author of “Climbing out of Darkness: A Personal Journey into Mental Wellness.” He enjoys sharing his story of “pushing through” on blog posts, podcasts, and other presentations. For more information, contact him at madjac@tds.net.