{"id":6009,"date":"2018-09-12T10:30:32","date_gmt":"2018-09-12T16:30:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pastorbrad.blog\/?p=4048"},"modified":"2018-09-12T10:30:32","modified_gmt":"2018-09-12T16:30:32","slug":"leave-flat-lined-emotions-behind-overcome-the-fear-of-feeling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/freshhope.us\/es\/leave-flat-lined-emotions-behind-overcome-the-fear-of-feeling\/","title":{"rendered":"Leave \u201cFlat-Lined\u201d Emotions Behind & Overcome The Fear Of \u2018Feeling\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Brad Hoefs<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s called a \u201cdecrescendo\u201d in music: a gradual reduction in force or loudness. It\u2019s part of what creates the beauty of music, crescendos and decrescendos, softness, loudness, intensity, fast and slow beats. Without these things and a beautiful melody line music would be lifeless. Well, that\u2019s how I was feeling just months after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and adjusting to my medicines.<\/p>\n

My doctor heard me loud and clear when I kept saying that I didn\u2019t know if I could live feeling so lifeless. He kept telling me at each of my appointments that I needed to give it time. But, I felt as though I was a medicated zombie- just blah. I missed the ups, downs, intensity, the fast and slow beats yet, I was scared to death to feel anything of an up or down, sad or happy feeling. I feared that feeling nothing would be the permanent \u201cmusic of my life<\/em>\u201d.<\/strong><\/p>\n

The doctor kept assuring me that he needed to get my mood stabilized. Stabilized? I felt so stabilized that it was as though I had emotional rigor mortis! At about four months into being medicated my doctor thought it was time to adjust the initial doses of mood stabilizer<\/a>. He adjusted it just a bit. And I began to feel a little. And the little that I felt was extreme sadness and regret. It was awful. I told him if this was all I was going to feel, I\u2019d rather not feel. He encouraged me to work through my grief and sadness and disruption my last manic episode had caused in my life and the life of my family.<\/p>\n

For months I worked on the toxic remorse I had regarding what had happened during my manic episode. My loved ones forgave and began to move forward. I was stuck. All I felt was toxic remorse and depression. I was scared to death to feel happy; that it would trigger an onset of mania. It seemed as though my emotions and feelings had flat-lined. My feelings and emotions had descended to no longer blah, but now nothing but a pounding sadness. So, the doctor introduced a bit more of antidepressant into my \u201cmedicine-cocktail<\/em>\u201d and I continued to work with my therapist regarding my remorse, shame and sadness regarding all that had happened during my mania. But, the little new pill seemed to help just a bit.<\/p>\n

It was approximately a year into my recovery that I was still feeling quite emotionally flat-lined and complaining about it to my doctor. I would tell him at each my brief visits with him that the range of my feelings and emotions was so narrow that I was not sure that I had a pulse anymore. His response shocked me! He said, \u201cBrad, it\u2019s time for you to stop fearing your feelings and emotions. You are a human being. You are going to have feelings and emotions, ups and downs. You\u2019re going to feel sad and happy and blah. Get out of your head and start feeling! Start living!<\/strong> And no, you won\u2019t handle all of your feelings and emotions perfectly. You\u2019ll be like the rest of us, human. Allow yourself to laugh. Stop taking yourself so seriously!\u201d And with that \u201cgust\u201d of advice he told me to lighten up, take my medicine and live.<\/p>\n

The doctor was right. At first I maybe had just a little too much mood stabilizer and not enough anti-depressant. But, my shame and regret became toxic remorse and began to emotionally flat-line me to the point where I was frozen emotionally; at best I was barely coping. I certainly was not thriving. I feared becoming too happy; too sad; too mad; too anything! I was emotionally constipated. So, I took my doctor\u2019s advice. I stopped trying to think my way through everything. I began to live, allowing myself to feel again. I began to feel like a human being again. In fact, today I thrive. Yes, I have some ups and downs, like everyone has. And no, I\u2019m not perfect in how I always handle my emotions. After all, I\u2019m human. But, my emotions and feelings do not interrupt my ability to live.<\/p>\n

Throughout the last six and half years of facilitating a Las reuniones de los grupos de apoyo de Fresh Hope<\/a> I have seen a lot of folks who are emotionally flat-lined. Sometimes it\u2019s due to being over medicated and other times it is because they are like I, fearing to feel too much at the risk of an escalating mood. And many times it is due to them getting stuck in toxic remorse or toxic grief over having a mental health issue. Of course, there\u2019s a host of many other reasons that emotions and feelings can flat-line.<\/p>\n

If you are feeling emotionally flat-lined, not feeling, no emotions (emotionally constipated) I\u2019d suggest a couple of things to consider:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n