{"id":19171,"date":"2026-10-07T18:47:26","date_gmt":"2026-10-07T23:47:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/freshhope.us\/?p=19171"},"modified":"2026-10-07T18:47:26","modified_gmt":"2026-10-07T23:47:26","slug":"when-a-mental-health-diagnosis-returns","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/freshhope.us\/es\/when-a-mental-health-diagnosis-returns\/","title":{"rendered":"When a Mental Health Diagnosis Returns"},"content":{"rendered":"

It began on a Thursday afternoon. This was <\/span>my<\/span><\/i> time\u2014set aside for just me and whatever I wanted to do. It was a recent margin I\u2019d built into my week\u2014an afternoon alone, while my husband was gone volunteering, and the time was all mine to do as I pleased: read, crochet, listen to music.<\/span><\/p>\n

I chose to lie on the couch with the blanket pulled over my head.<\/span><\/p>\n

I recognized the behavior almost at once. This was old behavior\u2014from 18 years ago.<\/span><\/p>\n

So I called my psych nurse, the one who manages my meds, and through her assistant, got the message to and from her that my depression was returning, and I probably needed to increase my antidepressant.<\/span><\/p>\n

It descended as a blanket of depression that afternoon. Or, as my husband described it later, it was as if I drove off a cliff. It happened that fast. Within four hours.<\/span><\/p>\n

Or did it? Hadn\u2019t it been building all year?<\/span><\/p>\n

A year of making withdrawals from my emotional tank. I\u2019d been trying in recent weeks to identify boundaries and margins and protect that emotional space, but I was already depleted, and each withdrawal was taking more, until there was just. none. left.<\/span><\/p>\n

January\u2013March: dealing with chronic pain.<\/span>
\n<\/span>April\u2013June: helping aging parents who live far away.<\/span>
\n<\/span>July: vacation, but it was too long away from home, too hot, too much.<\/span>
\n<\/span>August: recognizing ongoing communication patterns in myself, my marriage, and my family\u2014hard soul-searching efforts and discussions.<\/span>
\n<\/span>September: two particularly difficult days, and the last of my emotional reserves were all used up.<\/span><\/p>\n

So maybe this afternoon of October 1st, curled up on the couch under the blanket, wasn\u2019t really a surprise after all. I\u2019d been calling it \u201cemotional depletion,\u201d but I knew enough to mention it to my psych nurse at my three-month check-in, so when I called 20 days later, she wasn\u2019t completely surprised that it had gotten darker and deeper.<\/span><\/p>\n

Thursday evening, I was irritable and crabby. It felt like I was looking at everything around me through sunglasses\u2014everything had a darker shade to it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Friday I increased my meds. But it\u2019s gonna take a while for me to notice any effects. So a beautiful day in the mountains wasn\u2019t complete joy\u2014I had to really focus and practice staying in the moment, or my negative thinking would swoop in.<\/span><\/p>\n

And perhaps that\u2019s what surprised me the most\u2014how quickly depression thoughts returned!<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been practicing \u201cthinking about what I\u2019m thinking about\u201d for years. Taking every thought captive unto Christ. Replacing negative self-talk with the truth of God\u2019s Word. I\u2019ve been practicing this, and teaching it to my Fresh Hope group, for years. I have charts and handouts with \u201cnot this thought\u2014think <\/span>this<\/span><\/i> instead.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

But the thoughts that depression brings are their own monster.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was thinking things on the e-bike ride in the mountains that never would have entered my mind two days prior! Like, as we rode behind the hospital, \u201cIs there a psych ward there? If I checked in, could they make this go away in a day or two?\u201d Or, \u201cHere we go again. And it\u2019s only going downhill from here. Might not go away this time.\u201d Or, \u201cI\u2019m such a downer to anyone around me.\u201d There were many such thoughts, just in an hour.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember my therapist from 18 years ago telling me that those weren\u2019t my thoughts. That it was depression talking. And honestly, I accepted him at his word, but didn\u2019t really believe it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Until now.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because these things I was thinking were so out of character for me. They were nothing I would have said to myself on Wednesday. And here on Friday, they entered my mind unbidden and sounded almost like truth.<\/span><\/p>\n

Praise God that I had been practicing talking God\u2019s truth to myself over these past several years, because I was able to recognize that the thoughts didn\u2019t reflect what I actually believed. It was depression distorting the way I was seeing myself and my future\u2014depression whispering in my ear. The thoughts still came, but I didn\u2019t have to accept them as truth.<\/span><\/p>\n

One of the hardest things about this is that I\u2019ve been depression-free for eight years. Eighteen years ago, I went through a 10-year journey, in and out of depressive episodes. And with the exception of a brief hiccup last spring, when my psych nurse and I dropped my single antidepressant too low, I haven\u2019t felt sad or down or depressed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even that brief situation with the lower dose only lasted a week, and it didn\u2019t feel like this. Then, I was just sad\u2014extremely sad. But this time, it\u2019s all the old \u201cfeels.\u201d All the familiar patterns and thoughts and emotions that plagued me for 10 years.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s almost like an old friend, in its familiarity and, dare I say, comfort?<\/span><\/p>\n

No, it\u2019s not comfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n

More like putting on my old ratty sweatshirt with holes and stains and tears. Ugly, yet somehow comfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m trying not to give in to the comfort. Because it\u2019s not true\u2014it\u2019s a false comfort. It\u2019s a lie. Again, it\u2019s those whispers that depression is telling me:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome closer. Sit down. Remember what this feels like.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Whispers of a Siren\u2019s Song, luring me until I crash into the rocky shore.<\/span><\/p>\n

No, I don\u2019t want to remember.<\/span><\/p>\n

I want to fight. I want to stay emotionally healthy. Mentally healthy.<\/span><\/p>\n

But fighting looks different to me now than it did 18 years ago.<\/span><\/p>\n

This time, I recognized what was happening. I made the phone call. I told my husband. I increased my medication as directed. I went to the mountains even though depression came along for the ride. And when the thoughts came, I noticed them. I named them. I challenged them with what I know to be true.<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know how long this episode will last. I don\u2019t know whether the medication change will be enough or whether there will be more steps ahead. And I\u2019m trying very hard not to let depression answer those questions for me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because depression wants to tell me that I\u2019m back where I was 18 years ago.<\/span><\/p>\n

But I\u2019m not.<\/span><\/p>\n

Those eight years of emotional and mental health didn\u2019t disappear on Thursday afternoon. Neither did everything I learned during the 10 difficult years that came before them. I\u2019m not starting over. I\u2019m starting from here\u2014with experience, tools, people who know what\u2019s happening, medical help, and a faith that has been tested before.<\/span><\/p>\n

And maybe that\u2019s what fighting looks like today.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not pretending I\u2019m okay. Not demanding that I feel better tomorrow. Not believing every thought that enters my mind.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just doing the next healthy thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

And then the next one.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve been doing well for a long time and suddenly find yourself facing familiar symptoms again, maybe you need to hear what I\u2019m telling myself right now:<\/span><\/p>\n

A recurrence does not erase your recovery.<\/span><\/p>\n

Reach out. Tell someone. Call your doctor. Use the tools you\u2019ve learned. And when your diagnosis starts whispering that everything you\u2019ve gained is gone, remember: you are not standing where you stood the first time.<\/span><\/p>\n

Neither am I.<\/span><\/p>\n

And today, that gives me hope.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you’re struggling, reach out to your doctor or a trusted person. In the US, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.<\/em><\/p>\n

About the Author:<\/strong> Peggy ha colaborado con Fresh Hope como facilitadora de grupos durante m\u00e1s de 8 a\u00f1os y como entrenadora de agenes de esperanza (Hope Coaches) durante m\u00e1s de 6 a\u00f1os. Puedes ponerte en contacto con ella en peggy@freshhope.us.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It began on a Thursday afternoon. This was my time\u2014set aside for just me and whatever I wanted to do. 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