My prayer room with God is behind the wheel of my car. For a busy mom its the only time I am literally forced to be still. My children are secured with seatbelts and are usually lulled to peaceful silence under the hum of the engine and passing pictures framed by their fingerprinted windows. In these quiet minutes stolen from my busy day, I grip the steering wheel, and talk, shout, and whisper to the God of the universe.
Sometimes I sit in stunned silence.
Sometimes I smile, really smile- not the accessory I layer on for the enjoyment of others.
Some moments I laugh with God, He really is so witty and unexpected. He and I have a running joke
Sometimes my heart aches and my eyes well with big grenades of hot salty tears.
No matter how intense our car sessions are- I always leave them with confidence and peace. Not the confidence that all my problems are solved. Not the peace that comes with no conflict. But its better somehow. The peace and confidence that weighs like the heavy armor and keeps me grounded.
Recently I’ve faced challenges that are out of my control.
Funny, really, typing that, because if we’re honest, LIFE is completely out of our control…all. the. time.
Yet, while my circumstances and future are always uncertain, I can get behind the wheel of my own life, grip the steering wheel, and hold on to the false hope that I’m the one deciding where to go.
But then an obstacle wakes me up from my auto-pilot mode and causes me to swerve, as God reminds me that He is the one that establishes my paths.
Yesterday, as I swerved and bumped along in my prayer room, God and I had a strategy meeting about what He was going to do to help me out in this situation. Instead of a two way conversation, I felt a little out of balance, like I was the one that did all the talking. I whispered “Amen” punctuated by a question mark, as I pulled into the driveway. Then a song came on the radio.
Just Be Held by Casting Crowns
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
I put the car in park and quieted the engine. As the rhythmic breaths of sleeping children dulled the ache in my confused heart, I closed my eyes. I let go of the steering wheel and opened my palms. I let go and listened. I was just held.